Saturday, February 16, 2013

Soundtrack of My Life

It's funny how a song can take you back to a place and time as if you were stepping into a time machine.  Or can become this warm blanket that encompasses you and takes you to a place in your past - or even in your present.  Even the chords before the lyrics begin can spark a memory you forgot existed within yourself.  I have always been a musical person.  While I couldn't play an instrument if my life depended on it, I can sing - and do quite often.  Just ask my ten-year old daughter who is constantly telling me to zip it.  I often consider myself a walking karaoke machine, because I can remember the lyrics to thousands of songs, even those I haven't heard in many years. 

I love music about as much as I love food. Or sleep.  Or oxygen.  It gets me through hard times, good times, and even the times in between.  Sometimes I make playlists of certain songs just to get my mind to calm down when it races into the wee hours of the night.  I find that no matter where I am, where I go, or what I do, music is what I cling to.  Some people listen to the melodies and swoon.  I, personally, am a lyric girl.  I find that song whose words can't escape me. 

I used to make these incredibly elaborate mixes for people telling them what I thought of them and how I felt.  Each tape (eventually CD) was painstakingly hand-crafted.  I would sit in front of my boombox with my pad of paper for hours, rewinding and playing, rewinding and playing, rewinding and playing songs to make sure I knew each and every lyric.  I had thirty notebooks filled with lyrics that I would sometimes just sit and read, singing along a cappella.  I know the lyrics now to thousands of songs.

As a mom, there have been hundreds of songs I want to "dedicate to my daughter" so that when she hears them she thinks of me.  Some that fit my situation so well that I can't help but weep when I hear them.  About our struggle as a team of mother and daughter and how we can get through anything as long as we stick together. 

My personal favorite is when you hear a song when you are somewhere random and you remember which movie it is from. When you get home you have to watch it because the nostalgia is so overwhelming.  I place songs with movies constantly.  I will hear the same song throughout several different motion picture soundtracks and feel this self-accomplishment that I recognized it. Like anyone gives a damn but me. 

How about a love song that makes you think of a forgotten love in your life.  Or a whole album you listened to that even one song on it slams you into a time you can remember as good as the back of  your hand.  It is amazing that songs have these capabilities to spark a longing inside of you. 

I don't even know why I am sharing these thoughts.  Perhaps because I have been soundtracking my life for the last 3 straight days.  Belting out random lyrics that fit with what is happening or just a random up-tempo pop-tune to get me through to the next activity.  Oh well, I guess there could be worse things, eh?

Sunday, February 10, 2013


You know you are getting older when life takes you in a different direction than your best friend.

Our lives have been running in two completely different paths for the last few years but we have managed to stay friends while the world pulls us apart.  Within the last year we have spent the least time together than ever before.  She has had a child within the last year and half, while I did that ten years ago.  She has a live-in man, while I find the mere thought of living with someone mind-boggling.  A number of different factors that makes our two worlds just that - two worlds.  We used to be inseparable to the point where people began telling us we looked like sisters when we look nothing alike. We spent a good decade together without a hitch. She could have been growing off my hip and I wouldn't have even noticed because we were never apart anyway.

Last night I got to spend a few hours with her. I drove to her house and sat in the bathroom while she was in the shower, like we were 17 again.  We talked in our voice that no one understands so that no one could hear us from outside the bathroom.  We drove to our friend Joel's house because he was having some volleyball peeps over for a random gathering.  We went there and I swear most of the time it was like no one else was in the room.  We just get lost in our stupid jokes and stories.  She can read me like a book - and, I, her.  It's almost like the things we say would never make sense to anyone except her and me.  Maybe everyone else in the house noticed it too. That we spent a good portion of the time on our phones showing each other random YouTube videos (like this video) and trying to decipher what others were even talking about.  We talked about love for a moment and I didn't even have to say anything to her - she already knew exactly what I was thinking about the situation.  She knew my heart was torn without even looking me in the eyes and seeing the pain I felt. The stuff only best friends can do.

The point I am even trying to get across is sometimes life likes to decide for you the people you will surround yourself with and the people you love the most may be the people you see the least.  While I love my best friend unfailingly and we only see each other maybe once a month, she is still my best friend who I would punch people in the face for (or call 911 at least) and do absolutely anything for.  Or her daughter.  I guess I just want to say thanks.  After 14 years of everything one person could possibly imagine, thanks for being you.

Friday, February 8, 2013

A Day Like Today

Life will never cease to amaze me.  It's constant twists and turns always lead me back to a place I can call home.  Even though there are times that I don't want to stay in this place -or in this city- anymore, I still love the moments that make me feel fuzzy.

You know those friends you have that you don't talk to very often and rarely see, then you see each other and it was like you were never apart?  Those are my favorite relationships.  You can spend an entire afternoon of playing "catch up" and reminiscing about the past.  Picking up where you left off, like no time has passed at all.  It is such a surreal feeling.

I had one of those days today -and it was next to perfect. A day where every story that was told brings slammed me into the past, whipping up so much nostalgia that my cheeks start to hurt from smiling so much and my mind is in an absolute frenzy of memories and just life in general. 

Sometimes I don't feel like I have gone down the right road and made the right choices for not only myself, but for my daughter.  Yet on days like today, I know that the choices I have made are okay.  I know that no matter what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future, that things are the way they are supposed to be.  I wish I would have tweaked it a little but it has been such a learning process.  Maybe I wouldn't be me if I would have changed the course.  
This sums today up so nicely.