I had to say a lot yesterday. For those who know me you may think "Surprise, surprise. You always say a lot." But when "I had to say" a lot is in reference to my character.
Most people aren't as completely sure of their 'self' as I am. And while I do not understand it sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am unaware, because I am. Frighteningly so.
Yesterday was a day of explaining my inability to care. I can love you, I can do nice things for you, but at the end of the day, my care-o-meter doesn't move from zero. I don't lose sleep over you, I don't cry myself to sleep if you insult me, I don't journal about your idiocies; My heart strongly resembles that 400 foot wall of ice everyone keeps chattering on about in Game of Thrones. Or maybe I am a White Walker and you can only kill me with dragonglass. Something to consider... Either way, caring is not in my repertoire.
I find that when I explain it to people it makes me super anxious. I start pacing and using a plethora of hand gestures that I don't usually bring out in casual convos. It almost like I get angry that have to explain myself in the first place. Isn't "I am fucked up" sufficient enough? Apparently not. So I constantly have to go through these motions with people and tell them why my heart is a black pit of despair, that I have no soul because I am a ginger, and that I will never care enough about you to make you stay. I know, what a treasure! I give the whole fairy tale. My favorite part is no one stays when I push. No one ever stays. No one can withstand the push. Maybe it's for the better.
My most treasured part is when I get a "One day, you will find someone who will stop you dead in your tracks and then you will sing a different tune." Again, maybe someone should kill me with that aforementioned dragonglass. Where is Samwell Tarly when I need him?