Saturday, August 24, 2013

Trouble With the Curve

Life is so funny the way it constantly throws you a curve ball or two when you least expect it.  The part that is most important is watching the first pitch go by and learning what it looks like before you attempt to swing at it.

My life has given me many different pitches: sliders, knuckle balls, breaking balls, heaters.  And while I haven't mastered hitting each pitch I know that I learn a little more every time I see one go by.  This euphemism has nothing to do with baseball really.  Nothing to do with stepping up to a plate and actually seeing pitches wiz by my head, but learning from life's experiences no matter how big or how small.

I've been through a lot in this life.  More than some would say is necessary for anyone to have to go through.  And with these experiences I have built a wall around my heart that is constructed so well not very many people can get over, around, through... nadda. I share these experiences with a lucky few in hopes that maybe I can turn someone's life around even in a minuscule way.  I didn't chose the things that happened to me, but maybe the universe knew I was strong enough to handle the bad and strong enough to move forward with a smile on my face.  Even if that smile is sometimes as fake as can be.

Over the course of the last 15 years, I have been through some things I maybe shouldn't have made it out of. Experiences that have left me shattered, broken, and even a little worse for wear.  I've faltered - hell, I am human!  But the lessons of life have deemed themselves to be invaluable.  I know that with each passing breath I am better for having been hurt. And I can raise a daughter who is just as headstrong and capable of tackling this life that is never easy.  She has already been through some things she shouldn't have had to, but life has a pitiful way of doling out crap.... and only the strong shall survive.

I've been told a thousand times and in a thousand ways "You are so strong."  A lot of times it is just a front.  A lot of times it has nothing to do with strength and everything to do with balance. I can take a punch, my eyes will fill with tears, but I am going to dust myself off and figure out the lesson in the madness.  I am not as strong as everyone says - it's not about being strong.  Its about being smart and having a never-ending desire to keep learning as much as possible.

This last ten months has been one hell of a curve ball.  So many different things have happened and there were times where I should have broken in half, but I am here. I am standing on my two feet, strong as ever - smart as ever - and ready to swing at whatever pitch comes my way... so bring it on universe. I am ready for you.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Light Years Away

October will mark the anniversary of my aloneness.  My solitariness. My individuality.  Six years of rebuilding and reinforcing my walls.

Usually this is a complete non-issue for me. Usually I can find inner-peace with having no partner to come along on this journey with me.  Everyone always has a partner.  And even if they don't for a minute, they can't stand the fact of being alone so they attach to anything -nay, anyone- and find safety and comfort in them. This isn't to say I am not okay with being alone, I am just really aware of it right now.

I have no idea how to not be alone. I know fairy tales aren't real and I know that there isn't someone who is going to make the world stop spinning when I see them; Things like that are nonsensical.  What I don't know is if something is truly broken inside me.  Will I ever find that love everyone is always searching for or has? Or is my ability to filter out my partners is just more advanced than everyone's? 

In these past six single years the main type of guy I meet is obsessed with relationships or a complete pushover. They have never been single, they are more or less the woman in the relationship, and they want never-ending affection.  For me, I have been single a long time and think it is healthy to stand on your own, I want to be the woman in the relationship, and I don't care for boatloads of affection.  Can I compromise?  Meh. If I don't want to answer your text for 4 hours, I shouldn't feel obligated to. 

My biggest attribute is my pushing people away. And its not even in relationships most of the time. I will push you if you are my friend too.  I have to. It is a defense mechanism constructed after thirty years of psychological abuse.  The thing I don't understand is why no one can take the push.  They always just let me push them away and no one ever stays.  No one ever survives the push and for me that means they are not good enough.

The last guy I had an encounter with had 4 relationships in the last year all of which he lived with the woman.  Except for in my case because I am not stupid enough for that.  I called him out on it too. 
All you want is a relationship. Someone you can cling to, move in with, and make it seem like it is okay that you are a relationship whore.  You have never been single in the entire time I have known you. You have no idea what it is like to stand on your own two feet. 
I had even told a friend (if we would have lasted) I would have made him wait til the end of the year to have the title as boyfriend. Just so he could try being alone out for size.  
Somehow I am the bad guy because I don't "care" enough.  I don't care enough for a very specific reason.  A month after we had called it quits he was living with a new chick and now she is his everything.  Sigh. I can't handle that shit. At all.
This case is not unique.  Most people I know are serial daters. I get it. I am not sure people are meant to roam this earth alone, however, I think it is okay to do so - and maybe even necessary for a little while.

I think it is time for a reevaluation... or perhaps a change. A big one.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Gypsy Soul

Last night after playing a double header (and winning both games) a few of my teammates and I went out for a drink.  As soon as we were all sitting down, every single person was staring at their phone.  I get it, I normally am as well, but I never go out.  I don't go to bars, I don't go to parties, I stay inside my little shell and venture outside of it once every five months. I commented about it saying "Look at all of you Facebooking.  I'm disconnecting for the night and you should too." I did pick up my phone twice but was never on it for more than a few seconds.  

I see it everywhere.  
Yesterday a guy in my neighborhood was walking his dog and trying to text as his German Shepherd pulled him around like an idiot.  Did he put the phone away? Nope. 
Or talking with a friend who must love the stories you tell so much because they never look away from the screen throughout the whole conversation.
Or that person who leisurely walks through the parking lot not noticing at all that you are trying to drive.

I can remember eating dinner with my daughter once and playing on the computer at the same time.  As I was scrolling through some blogs, it said 
"Put the technology away. Your kid is in front of you and you are in front of a computer. Life is short. Go be with your family. You can't get these times back. Talk to your children!"  
Obviously I am paraphrasing, but I understood so clearly.  I immediately shut my laptop and enjoyed my dinner away from the world wide web.  I felt kinda crappy about it, too. Not shutting the computer but thinking back on how many times that may have happened. I am not always online during dinner, but I am more often than I should be.  And of that, I am ashamed. 

I am also a rusher.  I don't like waiting. I don't like people who are late.  I don't like making last minute plans.

My daughter is a free-spirit. An old soul even. She has been this way since she was one?  Studying the ladybug she would find on her finger or blowing on blades of grass. She notices every crack in the sidewalk, the hawk in the tree, each butterfly, bumblebee, and ladybug. She knows each flowers name and which cloud is the puffiest one in the sky. She loves to be active and in the same breath she can be excruciatingly lazy.  She walks at a turtles pace and she has absolutely no regard for time.  I am constantly saying "Move it!" or "Hurry up." or even "You are so slow!"  I know it drives her crazy whenever I say it, but she also knows her disregard for my schedule drives me crazy as well.  My daughter is busy enjoying the life around her while I am busy trying to get where we need to go whether it to bed or to softball.
My little bird. Empire, MI 

The point is we have all lost focus.  We are stuck in such a "need it now" world that we are losing the ability to even know how to slow down... or the ability to stop and smell the roses.  Can't we walk the dog and leave our cellphone at home?  Can't we walk from the car to the grocery store without taking our iPhones out of our pockets and checking in on FourSquare that we are at Kroger?  Can't we have dinner without scrolling through other people's status updates or watching YouTube videos?   I don't know if we can anymore. We are building this society where being on said technology, all day every day, is normal. And it is not normal.  It is not okay.

We losing some of the greatest gifts we have been given. Eachother.

And I for one am going to hug my kid, tell her I love her and maybe smell some roses with her.

*Note: This was written at 5am when my little dear was fast asleep so bah humbug to you*

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Devil On My Shoulder

At the end of our trip we went to eat a little cantina in Gaylord. It was delicious and we were all stuffed to the gills.  Right before we hit the road my mom found an envelope in the bathroom with $800 cash inside.

Seriously? Why can I never find an envelope full of cash?

We informed the restaurant that we found some money and they said to turn it in to them. - We, of course, did not do that. We wouldn't even tell them how much.  My mom left her name and number and that was that.  Only two days went by before she got a call. The woman knew how much and what envelope it was in.  Damn...  I am glad for the lady that it fell into the hands of my honest, church-going mother and not into my evil clutches. Initially all I thought was "Tell no one! Spend it."  but that never would have been what I would have done. I probably would have done the same thing as my mother even if I didn't want to.

She kept saying "There is more good in the world than evil." and honestly I don't believe that. I wish it were true, but people are rotten. Not all people, of course, but I am pretty sure the majority are disgraceful.  Look at how this world is crumbling beneath us.  Riots, bombing, murders, terrorist threats, cheating, should I even go on? Sure, it would be great to think everyone was rooted in goodness, but I am a realist. I know this can't be true.

I'd love for someone to prove me wrong on this.  I would love for someone in my life to prove to me that the good outweighs the bad. I don't watch the media so I am not bias by them, I just don't know if I truly believe people are inherently good.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Love at a Rest Stop?

So an hour into my five hour car ride and I've already had to pop two Xanex.  Driving with my mother and father is one of the hardest tasks known to man.  They bicker every 5 minutes, my dad calls out every river, and road name, as well as every single time he spots a hawk in a tree or flying.  My mom on the other hand is a very nervous person in the car.  "You're too close to the person infront of you." Or "Do you have to go 80?" Or "Can you not drive in the left the whole time?" Its not only nerve wrecking for her but for all other parties.

We stopped at a rest stop to let Bea stretch her legs and drop off some timber. I went inside to wander around the gift shop when a super good looking guy stopped me to make small talk.  He asked where I was heading to and we talked about a YouTube video, we joked back and forth and then he said "Call me when you get to the dunes so I know you made it safe."  with a cute smirk on his face.  Did I get his number? Nope.  Damn moron!  I probably would have sabotaged it anyway.

This car ride may kill me.  I'm hungry, and ornery, and we just started this effing trip.  My dad wont let me drive because I am all "doped up" or so he says.  Believe me, I am starting to realize there aren't enough drugs in this car. Sigh.

PS. 7-Layer Dip Tortilla Combos are effing amazing!!

Backseat buddies.