Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Light Years Away

October will mark the anniversary of my aloneness.  My solitariness. My individuality.  Six years of rebuilding and reinforcing my walls.

Usually this is a complete non-issue for me. Usually I can find inner-peace with having no partner to come along on this journey with me.  Everyone always has a partner.  And even if they don't for a minute, they can't stand the fact of being alone so they attach to anything -nay, anyone- and find safety and comfort in them. This isn't to say I am not okay with being alone, I am just really aware of it right now.

I have no idea how to not be alone. I know fairy tales aren't real and I know that there isn't someone who is going to make the world stop spinning when I see them; Things like that are nonsensical.  What I don't know is if something is truly broken inside me.  Will I ever find that love everyone is always searching for or has? Or is my ability to filter out my partners is just more advanced than everyone's? 

In these past six single years the main type of guy I meet is obsessed with relationships or a complete pushover. They have never been single, they are more or less the woman in the relationship, and they want never-ending affection.  For me, I have been single a long time and think it is healthy to stand on your own, I want to be the woman in the relationship, and I don't care for boatloads of affection.  Can I compromise?  Meh. If I don't want to answer your text for 4 hours, I shouldn't feel obligated to. 

My biggest attribute is my pushing people away. And its not even in relationships most of the time. I will push you if you are my friend too.  I have to. It is a defense mechanism constructed after thirty years of psychological abuse.  The thing I don't understand is why no one can take the push.  They always just let me push them away and no one ever stays.  No one ever survives the push and for me that means they are not good enough.

The last guy I had an encounter with had 4 relationships in the last year all of which he lived with the woman.  Except for in my case because I am not stupid enough for that.  I called him out on it too. 
All you want is a relationship. Someone you can cling to, move in with, and make it seem like it is okay that you are a relationship whore.  You have never been single in the entire time I have known you. You have no idea what it is like to stand on your own two feet. 
I had even told a friend (if we would have lasted) I would have made him wait til the end of the year to have the title as boyfriend. Just so he could try being alone out for size.  
Somehow I am the bad guy because I don't "care" enough.  I don't care enough for a very specific reason.  A month after we had called it quits he was living with a new chick and now she is his everything.  Sigh. I can't handle that shit. At all.
This case is not unique.  Most people I know are serial daters. I get it. I am not sure people are meant to roam this earth alone, however, I think it is okay to do so - and maybe even necessary for a little while.

I think it is time for a reevaluation... or perhaps a change. A big one.

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