Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Eleven Years Ago Today...

Eleven years ago today, I lay in a hospital bed dying.

Eleven years ago today, my body decided to begin the process of shutting down.  With a high fever of 104, I was delirious and on the verge of slipping into a coma with blood pressure around 140/104.  It was the longest day of my entire life.

Eleven years ago today, I was admitted into the hospital with every hope of a routine delivery of my baby. My blood pressure had been high for a month prior, but it was closely monitored. Being induced was nothing out of the ordinary and nothing every other Obstetrician hasn't done before.  It was all new to me though. 24 hours after trying my best to deliver drug-free, came the breaking of my water.  This not only distressed my unborn daughter, but sent my body into unparalleled pain.

Eleven years ago today, I got through 29 hours of labor and my body decided it was time to push.  I was not dilated. It is physically impossible to birth a baby if your cervix is not dilated, but I had absolutely no choice in the matter; When it's time to push, it's time to push. Fail. On an epic scale. No matter how hard I tried, nothing was happening. No matter what the doctors attempted, my body was resisting. My body began to fail and my baby was dying. One of the last things I heard was "We are going to lose them both!" before slipping into delirium.

Eleven years ago today, I was prepped for an emergency cesarean section. Which is actually incredibly common nowadays... even then.  C-Sections were on the incline averaging at 70% or so I heard. They strapped down my arms and legs, because, well, that's just what they do.  After attempting to numb me from the waist down, the anesthesiologist asked "Can you feel this?" "Yes" I replied.  "Hmm... you shouldn't be able to feel anything." And the surgery commenced.  From behind my little sheet, I could feel my abdomen being sliced open with a scalpel. I screamed in absolute terror and was drugged into oblivion while my mother yelled for them to give me more drugs.

Eleven years ago today, my baby was born and I didn't get to meet her.  I was in a drug-induced high and from what I can vividly remember I told my mother "I am in outer space."  Apparently I had enough drugs. I have also learned later that redheads need 1/3 more drugs than any other hair color in order for said drugs to work effectively. If only...

Eleven years ago today, my daughter was rushed to the NICU, because she could not breathe on her own. When the doctor broke my water, she drank it, causing severe distress on her lungs. My beautiful baby girl sat alone in an incubator hood for the first 24 hours of her life - without her mother.  I was a hallway away coming out of my euphoria and not even knowing I had just had a child.
Me & my bird.
Eleven years ago today, my life was changed forever.  I learned patience, and kindness, and how to love someone else in a way only a mother would understand.

Today my little baby is a beautiful, hilarious, snarky 11-year old. She is sassy in all the right places. She has a sense of humor that makes me double-over more often than not. She is like walking out of a smokey bar and gulping down heaps of fresh air. She is the rays of sunshine on an overcast day.  She is my better half and one of the sweetest souls I have ever known.  Shes awkward, and quirky, and her long legs trip her off more often than not. She is my soul mate in this life. The reason I was put here.

Happy Birthday to the best person I have ever known. I love you bird. <3

Sunday, September 8, 2013

One Way or Another

As I pulled into the Pet Supplies Plus parking lot this afternoon, I noticed a row of cages on the sidewalk and a plethora of people everywhere. I decided maybe this was not the day for me to get cat litter. Maybe I should just leave now while my mascara isn't running down my cheeks and my nose isn't stuffy and red.... nope. I parked.  And as I walked to the building I started breathing heavily knowing it was not going be easy for me to be here.

Each cage was filled with a dog or a puppy and each of those said dogs wanted nothing but my touch.  My eyes immediately welled with tears.  One puppy licked incessantly through the cage as if to tell me "It okay lady. Don't cry."  I did anyway.  I wept like a baby for these poor animals that don't have homes.  I wept for their lives in cages while their irresponsible owners proceeded with their flippant lives.  And it happens every day, and not just with dogs which is where my heartache comes in.  I could cry for a thousand hours at how bad I feel for these children, puppies, kitties, and nameless millions of other animals that people carelessly turn their shoulder to.

Or even the people that have to have a "purebred."  My mutt is cooler than your purebred could ever be. How could you even stand to spend $1000 on a dog when there are 50 of them locked up at the local kennel who need you and your love?  I can't even think about the children in orphanages otherwise you may as well put a bullet in my head.  But as an owner of rescued pets, I cannot even begin to understand some people's thought processes.  How an animal from the mall would even make sense when the Humane Society is destroying animals left and right because they don't even have the room for them.  But oooh, I need a teacup this or a miniature that.  Personally, the cat in the cage at the shelter that has one eye or 11 toes on one foot, is the cat I want most of all.

Finding your animal a new home is one thing, but getting rid of them because your priorities have changed is another - and it is thoroughly unsettling.  I have a cat who needs a new home and I can't find her one.  Have I dropped her off on the Humane Societies doorstep? No, I will wait until she finds the perfect home.  She needs it badly, but I'd rather she stayed here than in a 2x2 cage with little to no love every day - or better yet, euthanized.

Then there are hundreds of thousands of animals born each year that don't have homes and don't have any love.  They starve to death, they are beaten, they are left alone - when they require nearly nothing but love and love alone. The poor little dears. And today I got to look some of those unloved babies in the face and all I could think was how I wanted to put out a worldwide threat:
Fix your animals or allow me to have you fixed for your ignorance.

Monday, September 2, 2013


This new life I am living is incredible.

The relationship that has been built between my daughter and myself is one I could never have dreamed possible.

I used to work every day, or night, or afternoon. I used to work on birthdays, and holidays, and weekends. The last 11 years have been such a struggle working hours that are an absolute nightmare. Today, we laugh constantly, we get into spats, we sing lyrics to songs we don't even know, we never say goodbye without a kiss, and we always say I love you. She is the night to my day and the breath in my lungs.  My world turns for her and her alone.

Tomorrow my baby is off to Middle School and a whole new life is waiting for us.  A life of bullies, cliques of catty bitches, puberty, obsessions with boys, dirty jokes, teasing to no avail. A life I could have sworn I just left behind.  I am scared for her because I remember how hard junior high was.  I remember how relentless the bullies were and I remember how there were nights I cried myself to sleep. My little girl is a peach.  She is soft and sweet and bruises easily, but deep down she has that toughened core. A wall, per say. These next seven years are going to bring us a plethora of emotions and a roller coaster of memories; I need to hold on as tight as I possibly can. 
Bird & Me

My sweet little ten year old.... well for 15 more days anyway.  Eleven years is sneaking up on us and my heart is weighing heavy at the thought of how grown up she has become.  5'2", long and lean.  My little bird who used to snuggle in the crook of my arm is now just a memory; She is now just a gangly tween who rolls her eyes and gets offended all too easily.  My little bird.  I miss her already. :(

I can hear her voice coming down the hall just now,
"Momma, come watch a show before bed."
She will still want me to tuck her in, rub her back for a few minutes, and kiss her goodnight.
She still needs me - for now.
If only she understood how much I need her.