Saturday, February 15, 2014

Hell's Time Clock

On September 4, 2013 I sold my soul to the devil for a paycheck every two weeks.

At first I thought "It's just not what you are used to. Grin and bear it. You don't have to make these people members of your family."
Slowly but surely I accepted their behavior and dug my heels in like all the people had before me. I accepted mediocre pay and decided that it was an easy job all I had to do was lower my standards.
Which I did. The problem was there was no one to complain to.  Issues arose, but I just had to swallow them down because no one gave a care.
Besides, when management is the problem, who do you complain to?

Little by little I felt myself fleeting.  Small fragments of my soul being diminished along with my dignity and pride. I would have sleepless nights for the fear of being verbally ripped to shreds the next day.  What kind of decision had I made?  When all these other decisions I had made in the last few years were for me and my daughter - to make us happy... I sold out.

I would receive verbal beatings all week long, but lunch on Friday - like it made all the abuse just magically disappear.  Like when your parent backhands you across the mouth but pulls you in for a hug afterward. They did it out of love, right?  I don't treat people like that.  I don't pretend to like you if I don't. I don't abuse people. And I certainly don't associate myself with people who do.  Yet every single day I went to a job where I was saying "It is okay to abuse me." It is not okay.

If there was only one thing I have taken away from this life it is that I will not put up with someone hurting me - not mentally, emotionally, or physically.  A screaming product of why I am alone. An even louder scream of why I will remain alone.

I am okay with this as long as I am okay with myself. And I am. Now that I am no longer punching Hell's time clock. I would rather be poor than have no dignity.

No comments:

Post a Comment