Thursday, December 24, 2015

Slightly less...

Over not any one in particular, but everyone as a whole.  And not for any one particular reason, but maybe for every reason combined.

I used to have some pretty selfish friends, then I had some boyfriends who cheated, and then it was feeling ostracized from my friends whom I had little-to-nothing in common with.  While my friends hung out at bars and met people, found new friends, went new places, I stayed home, alone, with my child.  While my friends moved forward in life, got married, began to have their own children, I continued to push myself further and further away from the human race.  After all, pushing away is what I do best.

After a while I realized that when I am in a relationship, I am toxic anyway.  And not just my significant other, but even, sometimes, with friends.  Perhaps it is a great number of years of my "friends" using me, betraying me, or leaving; same as my significant other.  I never devote myself to anyone anymore.  I used to be that friend that came running for any reason, but now you can't rely using me in that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, "I'm broken."  It is so much further beyond that now.  Whereas I once was broken, now I am conditioned to have no feelings at all.  Still being betrayed and hurt by the people I love, yet no longer standing up for myself and pushing you away, just letting it happen and being abused. All the while, my attitude is quite callous.

In the past month, I have seen some kind of... reflection... of myself.  Like an out of body experience?  I have been hearing people talk about things of concern and where others console and are "there for people."  I am not.  I even think, "I should say something nice, but I really really don't care."  When people talk about their newest whatever, I feel more inclined to leave the room than I do to stay and listen.  And I know this is so wrong.

This is not to say I do not do kind things.  That I do not hold the door for people, because I do.  That I do not feed the homeless, because I do.  That I do not donate money to the abandoned pet center in my area, because I do.  Or even have two cats that I'd prefer not to have whom one of has been ill for the better part of 3 years, but I keep him and pet him and love him. Even though I say I don't. This is not to say that I don't do kind, nice, thoughtful, and considerate things, because I do.
But somewhere deep inside. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I am not sure if I can be repaired anymore.  I am not sure if my too-rational thinking and unfailing ability to reason everything can ever overcome what is in going on inside of me.

So instead of making a bunch of New Years Resolutions about how I am going to get in shape or use Facebook less (which I fully intend to do as a part of a new life resolution), I plan to work more on MaryAnne.  Learning to stand up for myself in appropriate ways, trying not to use my words as a scare tactic that really works well, attempting to say the kind things I think, but can't bring myself to utter.

Does this mean I am changing? No. Not yet.
What it does mean is that I would like to be slightly less broken than I am currently.

No comments:

Post a Comment