Monday, December 14, 2015

Slip Through Your Fingers

I find it hard to believe that destiny is carved out for us.  That each decision we make was predetermined and our fate was decided before we even make those choices. Doesn't that quite ruin the notion of free will and the entirety of the decision-making process?

I would like to think that the decisions I have made for myself were my own and not charted out somewhere in the stars while some deity sits back and says "Yep, she is par for the course."

I was supposed to go to college straight out of high school.
I was supposed to be 19, wild, and free.  I was supposed to be 21 and go to bars and have little-to-no responsibility.
I was supposed to be married after my 2, then 3, then 4 year engagement.
I was supposed to live and die in retail.
I was supposed to write children's literature professionally.
I was supposed to move to California.
I was supposed to go see Europe and never come back.
I was supposed to have between two and four children, because I always imagined myself with a nice-sized family.

None of my plans have happened.  A lot of other people's plans happened.  But my plans took a shit.

I have now been a student since January 2013 consistently.
Three non-stop years of a life of total chaos.
The plan wasn't to work for 15 years after high school, then go to college.
The plan wasn't to have a child at 19 by myself.
The plan was not to be single for a decade.
The plan was not to buy a house and live in it alone (okay, minus the dog and cats).
So is this the real plan?  Is this what "destiny" set out for me?
A general malaise of real plans and hey, you get what's left over?

I am feeling quite whiny and pathetic right now.  It is finals week so perhaps it is my disdain for all things having to do with a thought process.
The gears are whirring and I am pretty sure you can see smoke.

I am tired of being tested. I am tired of my ideas not even being taken into consideration.

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