Grief is brutal.
Monday night I found myself laying in bed, sobbing all over the pages of my journal which I was finding myself hard-pressed to write in, with wads of Kleenex strewn everywhere, and the prayer card with my dead friend's face looming in the candlelight. I was setting myself up for this misery, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking about the would have/could have/should have situations that we all punish ourselves with when something doesn't go the way we'd hoped. I couldn't shake myself out of it which is unlike me. Usually I can fight my own brain with logic and win! I can tell myself I am being ridiculous and go run outside or drag myself to the shower to shake off the bad vibes. Monday night won the battle - and I broke.
My head was filled with regret and disdain. I should have reached out to my friend sooner. I should have been a better friend over all. I wasn't. I was MaryAnne the Recluse. I pushed myself away from my friend as I did with most of the relationships in my life. Its easier that way right? Oh was I so wrong. Instead of feeling detached and callous, I felt ruined.
There have been upwards of 3 trillion times that I have passed by a name in my phone or just hit like on FaceBook and never stopped for a minute to say "Hi." And not "How are you?" No one cares about that; most people deliver a generic response anyway. Sometimes I think, oh, I should text him/her - and never do.
With my friend that passed away, it was his birthday two weeks before he died. I saw it come up on my notifications, eventhough I have always remembered his birthday, and I said "I am going to text him. Not message him on FaceBook." And then I forgot.
Today I am filled with so much sadness about it.
I wish I could have told my friend that I loved him one more time.
Tonight, I text 30 people that I don't text or speak to on a regular basis.
Some not even at all. I simply put it in to the universe that I was thinking about them, I missed them, or I loved them. In some cases, it was all three. I was legitimately thinking of most of them. I have been all week. But I really just needed to tell some people in my life that I care about them. Caring for people comes easy to me; however, telling people I care does not.
I had three people respond with a "Thank you. I needed that tonight." Each of those three responses brought me to tears. I couldn't help but think of my friend and if maybe he would have needed something like that. I am glad, though, that I, in my small insignificant text, can mean something to someone.
No one didn't respond.
Most people replied back right way. Telling me they loved me too or missed me. A few wanted to get together. A few wanted to catch up right then with foot-long texts back and forth. It was so nice to catch up and make plans; To give love out and to receive it right back.
Normally when I grieve, I want to push everyone away, build a blanket fort, and watch Little Women or Anne of Green Gables and be alone. This time has been severely different. I don't know why Brandon's death has made this impact on me, but I am glad I was able to reach out to some people that I truly care for and tell them I love them or I miss them.
And I will do it again. Because it has to be done.